Agatha

 Hello!
so a few updates I haven't posted on here in a while, I'm in somewhat a band we're still deciding on the band name which uhh we haven't figured out but our lead vocalist wants something related to gardens like gardenia which I thought was kind of stupid but whatever. Or like a unique name like Agatha, 

So...we're still working on it heh
I feel a lot of pressure because I want to do good in this band and I am the lead guitarist and I only recently started playing AND I'm left handed so the strings are flipped and it's kind of harder to play songs so whatever I'll pursue and surpass this obstacle

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT. 
I do have the first part of come as you are by nirvana which is chord progression to me!

I've been feeling like I've lost my charm or personality as a person, I used to make people laugh so easily and it came out so naturally, I feel like I've just been going through the motions of life and Im waiting on some sort of impending doom or death

I love showering, it's what I wait for at the end of everyday, I turn the water on warm enough and I just sit there against the wall it's so comforting and I have a little night light in the bathroom so it's dark but with a little light in the corner and I just like to think about many sorts of things as I sit there..

This feeling of hopelessness and dread has been what I've been feeling these past months the desire to be born as a boy. I hate myself,  the uncomfortable feeling of having this sort of body knowing things could have been much more simpler if I was born a litttleee different. 
I know my place but I just wish I could be someone greater someone with more opportunity in life but I just know that I can never be who I truly want to be for I was brought onto this earth to be someone, it's just the way things are and all I can do is sit on the floor of my bedroom wishing and dreaming and yearning for a life that may never come. 

I want to be my own person, I don't want to get married I don't want to have to depend on someone I want to suffer I want to see the world
I just want so many things I can't have.
and that's just how it is

I want to shove my hand down my throat feel the contents rise I want to claw at my face and live my own demise I want to break the cords in my body as I keen for a life I may never receive shave off all my hair without it being considered something walk around shirtless no tear not tassel no worry no fear no sadness no anger just control of being one human. I want to ride bikes and climb trees walk around and be free I want my father to stop telling me he wish he had a son instead. I want to work with my hands I want to create I want to get cut and burned I want my life to be at risk I don't want to feel this discomfort but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I must live this life till it dies or till I take it myself.

Well that's about it for the update! 
Goodnight I'm sleepy