epic diariez

 the grass is always greener on the other side.
everyone wants to be pretty. to be attractive. to be desired.

until almost every boy you've dated has harassed you. until his friends make comments about your body.

that one guy i was with back in early november was still trying to be close with me after we broke up, even though i was clearly uncomfortable. i decided that i would try to bring it up at lunch, especially because i hear his friends call him a 'simp' when he's around me. at lunch i went over there just to, as a joke, throw some raisins on the table and i said "merry freaking christmas".
i went to turn around, and he said
"wait! viv, come back." all his friends started going "nahhh no way" or "ooooh brooo"
i turned around and said "..what."
he replied "i have a gift for you."
i said "awhhhh, really?? 🤗 you shouldn't have 😐" and he pulled out a bag of cheez-its, my favorite snack.
he gave them to me and said "i know they're your favorite." i said thank you and smiled, but then his friend said
"so what, are you gonna subscribe to her onlyfans next or what? because-" and then his friends laughed.

i asked a guy friend of mine about why people treat me like this. he said "it's because you're pretty."

whoop-dee-doo, i'm a winner!! here's my prize, being only desired for my body for the rest of my life!!!

..is that really what i am to guys? a body?

other girls always compliment me. i really appreciate it. but i've had so many of my friends tell me "i wish i was pretty like you."
that really hurts. every girl that has said that to me? i have been able to notice the beauty in all of them.

a girl complimented my face and hair. she has my dream body. her stomach is so flat. i bloat so easy.
another girl told me she thought that no guy would find her attractive. she is tall, and people make fun of her. i am made fun of, and other times sexualized for how short i am. she is strong. i am weak. if i were to get kidnapped or someone tried to hurt me, i wouldn't be able to fight back.
another girl told me i was too pretty to be with her. i love everything about her. she is one of the most gorgeous girls i know. her features are so unique. i think unique is beautiful. i will never be able to forget her face. 

we are just always in a constant cycle of unrealistic expectations. of envy. of discontent.

WELCOME TO WOMANHOOD GUYS!!! YAY 🥳🥳🥳🥳

everyone wants to be "conventionally attractive"
let me tell you, it lowkey sucks.
like, it is easier to talk to people and get along with them, but i don't know for sure if they care about my personality or only my looks.
i actually can't recall the last time i was complimented for something that wasn't my appearance.

i wanna talk about my school's christmas concert!!!
it was on the 18th, it's all the music groups (band, orchestra and choir) from middle and high school. This was my first year doing it with the high school (because i'm a freshman) and it was so fun!!! i usually cry during the concert but this year i didn't cry....
....it was because of concert black.
everyone in high school wears either a black dress or tux, and the girls get to pick which one they want. i wanted to radiate lesbian energy and got fitted for the tux. 
my girlfriend liked it, i'll say that. 
LOLLL 🥹 she's in jazz band and i'm not, so i barely saw her during the night (only when it was the regular band's turn to be on stage) but when i did, she kept telling me how good i looked. we would play really well and she'd say "it's because of the suit. you are aurafarming. you have 10 billion aura right now, etc." i have this really cute video i took where i was showing off the tux and i asked her "hey you wanna come be in the video?" and she walks up to me and hugs me super tight and she says "you're my wife" and after we hugged she cupped my face with her hands and told me i was really pretty and i was smiling at her like a total idiot. then she walks up to the phone and says "my wife is so pretty guys" and points at me. 🥹🥹 i love her. and then i was talking about smth and she was playing with my bowtie. HAHAHAAA we are so whipped for each other it's so funny.
she looked absolutely stunning in her dress as well for sure. she is shorter than me (i am 5'0" tall by the way) and her dress was so long on her so she had to pick it up and walk like a princess or something lol it was so cute and funny.

the concert went really well for the band actually!!! we sounded really good i think.
while we were waiting to go on everyone (not in jazz band) was playing uno in the band room and it was so funny lol.

 hello!!! i'm here once again. it's been about a month. I'm really surprised my school hasn't blocked dreamwidth. I got in trouble for being on it in middle school lol but they didn't really tell me why. being on here again might get it blocked but i really wouldn't mind that much lol.
so. time to talk about what has happened since i last updated.
so that guy i was with? so turns out he's a known total freaking weirdo so i broke up with him and he said it was okay but he's clearly not okay with it. he keeps trying to get closer with me even though i'm like EWWWW STOP. like it actually makes me feel so icky and all of his friends make fun of him for it but in a way that makes me feel bad about myself.
but anyway. holy crap why is it every time i update this i'm in a different relationship, it makes me look like a player nooooo 💔 i promise i'm not. especially not because of my current girlfriend!!!!! we've been together for almost a month and i am so in love with her fr fr. she plays the same instrument as me in band and i've been friends with her for a while. 

i got cast in my school's musical!!!! this is my first time doing it so i got a minor role but i am still very excited, i get to be a grandma 🥹
and yeah. midterms are coming up after break so that's gonna be... fun! yes for sure.

i'm excited for christmas! i'm not really getting much but that's okay. me and my family are going out of town for a few days so that makes up for it for sure.